The Higher Being

Kramer and Newman walk through Central Park, Newman complaining about his various physical imperfections. “I’m fat, I stink, and just sitting down causes me to wheeze.” A lean, slow, short man walks past the two. “Hell,” Newman says, “I wish I could have that guy’s body!”

Elaine files her nails while watching television one day, but is so absent-minded about it, she fails to notice that she’s filed away down to her elbow. “Great,” she says. “Just great.” She tries to throw her hands up in resignation, but it’s profoundly dissatisfying.

George stands in Battery Park, Jerry in Inwood. The two start slowly walking toward each other, then jogging a little before reaching a full-tilt run. By the time the two are within sight of each other, each is traveling 0.1c. They jump in the air and collide over 86th street in an incandescent burst of blue, then fall to the ground.

Only one man remains when he rises from the street. With the voice of Jerry, the body of George, and the worst personality traits of both, a more perfect creature remains: Larry David.

The Domesticated

Awww, Jerryjerryjerry, you’re such a good boy! Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy! Yeah! Oomph! Aw, Kramer, I love you too buddy, but stop licking my face! Ow! Elaine, did you just bite me! Oh no, oh no no no. George, you’ve been such a naughty boy! Digging through all the trash for food, again!

The Game of Settlers of Catan

Kramer eats a large meal of numerous sandwiches, then proceeds to drink seventeen beers before taking a fast-acting laxative. Furiously drunk, he rips off his pants and walks out onto the street, slobber dripping from his mouth and stumbling aimlessly. He shouts at the top of his lungs: “I’m causing a disorder! It’s me, I’m doing it!” It is not long before the police arrest him, cuffing his hands and shoving him in the back of a patrol car.

George, Elaine, and Jerry play a game of Settlers of Catan, but Elaine and Jerry are rendered immobile with laughter when George requests “sheep for wood.”

After several minutes of awkward silence, Kramer attempts to make conversation with the two policemen in the front of the patrol car. “You know I’m a professionally trained magician?” he asks. One of the officers grunts noncommittally. “That means I know how to throw up on demand. You know, in case I swallowed a key for an escape act.” Thrown off by Kramer’s apparent sobriety, the cop in the passenger seat widens his eyes in sudden realization, but too late: Kramer erupts in a geyser of puke for twelve solid seconds. “No!” the policeman shouts. Kramer laughs maniacally, still without pants, and a stream of urine rises to the ceiling of the car. After a minute and a half of the car speeding down the street, pee splashing against the ceiling, the stream stops. “Thank God,” the driver says. “Oh, no, don’t say that just yet,” Kramer says. Immediately, he is stricken with Montezuma’s Revenge of a legendary sort. “IT’S YOUR CAR, PIGS!" he shouts.

Kramer’s deranged laughter deafens the officers, bounces off the skyscrapers, echoes through Hoboken across the river.

The Guttural Scream

Elaine walks down the street and sees a blur of color streak past her, emanating a noise that sounds like a wailing baby. Exactly the same: The pitch, the desperation, the duration. The howling blur passes by her several more times, up and down 7th Avenue, and the combination of speed, color, and primal sound causes her pupils to dilate, and her skin breaks out in a cold sweat.

The blur slows down, as does the scream, and comes to a stop directly in front of Elaine, who cowers: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaow do you like my new dirt bike, Elaine?” George asks.

After taking out the trash, Jerry returns to his apartment to realize he accidentally left the door unlocked. He hesitates for a moment, then enters, turning immediately left, with a swift sense of purpose. He grabs a utility knife and runs from room to room in an attempt to clear his apartment of any intruders.

Kramer turns around. “Oh, hey, Jerry, I didn’t see you thEARGGGHRGrhgjffff… agh, Jerlrlry, right’n th… throa…”

The Writers Didn’t Show Up

George, Elaine, Kramer, and Jerry sit around a table at Monk’s Cafe. Elaine drums her fingers while sighing exasperatedly. Kramer checks his watch for a third time. Jerry slumps forward, falling asleep for a microsecond. George’s face grows red.

Finally, it is too much for Costanza to take. “So what the hell are we supposed to be doin’ today, for cryin’ out loud!”

The Horror

Glancing out his bedroom window, George notices a stunningly beautiful woman getting undressed, and cannot tear his eyes away. He hides most of his body behind the wall, but continues to stare lasciviously at the scene that unfolds before him. He notices her face slowly turning in his direction, so he decides his best course of action is to remain completely motionless. He shuts his eyes as tightly as possible for a moment.

Elaine snuggles up to her boyfriend in bed. His arms wrap tightly around her as they spoon, and she realizes that — perhaps for the first time — she’s well and truly happy with a boyfriend. “Art, you’re the sweetest man I’ve ever met,” she says. He does not respond. “Art?”

Kramer sees a beautiful woman at a bar, so he sidles up next to her and tries to make conversation. However, he finds that whenever he tries to speak, his voice cracks and breaks until he gets such a frog in his throat that he can make no sound. He stands up and tries to clear his throat, but he can no longer open his lips, which have suddenly fused together. His eyelids rocket open in astonishment, but now he can no longer close them — and his eyeballs are swelling in size. The scene becomes only more grim from here.

Elaine struggles to turn around and meet Art’s gaze, but his arms stiffly hold her in position. “Art, what do you think you’re doing?” she asks. Struggling, she manages to turn herself around to see Art’s grim, frozen, toothy smile, his eyes wide open. “Art! Let me go!” His face doesn’t even twitch, but his grip grows tighter and tighter. Elaine lets loose a few last gasps of air. She is unable to draw another breath. The arms constrict around her more tightly.

The object of George’s lust has moved. She is now directly in front of George’s window, suspended in mid-air, her eyes entirely blood-red and bright, her jaw hanging three feet below her mouth. As soon as George opens his eyes, she lets loose a soul-piercing scream, liberating a small amount of waste in George’s pants.

Jerry sits alone in the hospital plugged into a dialysis machine for the fifth time this month. As the machine pumps and filters his blood, he grows cold, curling up under a blanket for warmth. As he drifts off to sleep, he adjusts his position slightly, and the intravenous needle disconnects from his fistula. The dialysis machine, rather than filtering Jerry’s blood, instead starts simply pumping it out of his body. Already in a tired and weakened state, Jerry drifts off to sleep.

A nurse walks by, but with the accidental bloodletting concealed by his blanket, she does not stop to fix it. The dialysis machine continues syphoning Jerry’s blood away from his body.

The Saliva

Kramer gets a bit of detritus in his mouth and goes to spit it out, but as he rushes over to the curb, an attractive woman passes by. Not wanting to appear uncouth, he holds it in until she passes, but as soon as he’s about to release it again, an old woman walks by in a different direction, eying him with disapproving suspicion. He shuffles up the street out of her view, saliva welling in his cheeks, but is once again thwarted from expectorating by a young couple out with their son.

At this point he is particularly aware of the foreign object—which almost seems to have grown in his mouth—and his cheeks have begun to bulge. He continues up the street, but can’t seem to find a place to spit without anyone seeing. Complicating the matter, the amount of saliva in his mouth has become so tremendous that its release would be especially visible. He breaks into a run, panting heavily through his nostrils, lips pursed, tears streaming down his distended cheeks, but there are people everywhere.

Eventually, he bumps into Jerry exiting a clothing store with his girlfriend.

"Kramer!" says Jerry. "You’ve met Heather, right?"

Kramer nods, letting out a small whimper.

"Hey, what’s with the cheeks?" says Jerry. "You playing an invisible trumpet? Taking some acorns up a tree to store for the winter?"

Kramer shakes his head, face turning a deep shade of red.

Jerry frowns. “What’s the matter, Kramer? You all right?”

Before Kramer can attempt to respond, George rushes around the corner and nearly collides with the group. For some reason, his cheeks are also swollen. He and Kramer lock eyes, sharing a kind of strange understanding.

Kramer sighs resignedly through his nostrils and releases the contents of his mouth in a torrent that gushes to the pavement. In the center of the pool is a small feather.

At the same time, George shrugs, opens his mouth, and expels a litter of kittens, which all scamper off in different directions.

The four stare down at the mess on the sidewalk, Jerry and his girlfriend in disgust, Kramer in embarrassment.

"Well," says George, nodding and backing away with a nonchalant saunter.

Meanwhile, across town, Elaine gets into a brutal fist-fight with a woman who has been making too much noise with her candy wrapper in a movie theater.

The Deconstruction

Elaine demonstrates a complete and total lack of morality, an apathy for others that is typical of sociopaths. She occasionally behaves in a manner more befitting of a wild animal than any sort of human.

George does not possess the inclination for evil deeds like Elaine, but he is no less loathsome. He is likely, on any given day, to be mired in his own filth, surrounded by food in various stages of decomposition. He is also the most frequent victim of existential bad luck.

Kramer is perhaps the least reprehensible of the cast on any given day, but that is a low, low bar. He has retained — and probably exaggerated — his penchant for quirky inventions and shady schemes, but they tend to have more dire consequences than they used to.

All the characters are more miserable than they used to be — but aren’t we all? Occasionally, an entire episode will air that doesn’t even have much of an element of humor to it, but merely illustrates the tragedy of drudgery. Sometimes, it is the drudgery of tragedy.

 Jerry gets on stage at a comedy club, but does not tell any jokes. He stares directly into the camera: “Why do you people do this to yourselves? This isn’t entertainment, this is profoundly sad! This makes the world a worse place to be. make the world a worse place to be.”

The Possibility That They May Be Enormous

Jerry is in love again, so blissfully ecstatic that he and his new lover, Ana, march down the street hand in hand. They bring with them messages of love, and everywhere they go, love grows. Her dress twists slowly in the wind; the two are the epitome of happiness.

George attempts to return a bag of groceries accidentally taken off the shelf after the expiration date, and realizes that the clerk he’s speaking to is actually Jerry’s girlfriend. She patiently tries to explain to George that she cannot offer a refund, causing George to make quite a scene before he storms out.

He later explains the encounter to Jerry, shaking his tiny fist and swearing he wasn’t wrong, hoping Jerry can use his relationship to get George’s money back. However, Jerry didn’t realize that Ana worked at the grocery. “You’re telling me that my girlfriend earns… minimum wage?”

Elaine finds herself in a bizarre love triangle, where she must choose between “Mr. Horrible” and “The Ugliness Man.” She explains the situation to Jerry, who sympathizes a bit before whining that he wants to break things off with Ana without appearing classist. ”No, that’s not classist,” Elaine says. “That’s classless.”

Kramer attempts to poison Newman’s mind with wrong ideas that appeal to him, terrible screeds about various immigrant populations in the city. Newman will have none of it, though: “I can’t stand here listening to you, my racist friend.” “I’m not just your racist friend,” Kramer replies, “I’m your only friend.” Newman spits at Kramer’s feet and walks away.

Peterman becomes enamored with his new “pet rock,” going so far as to bring it to board meetings and business lunches. (He is unaware that it is actually a toy of one of the California Raisins.)

Newman, still reeling with disgust, gets his payback by leaving a dead sparrow in Kramer’s letterbox. When Kramer discovers this, he mutters to himself, “Done someone wrong, and I fear that it was me.”

Hoping for a more sympathetic ear than Jerry’s, George recounts his woes to his parents. Frank is utterly disgusted, though, and smashes his hearing aid beneath his boot heel so he doesn’t have to listen to George any longer. He screams endlessly, calling George “King Lazybones!”

A terrible smell and sound emanates from Kramer’s apartment, and a crowd gathers outside the door, trying to figure out exactly what’s going on. “He might be frying up a stalk of wheat,” suggests someone helpfully. Jerry is able to break the lock and discovers quite a scene: the bathtub running over, the stereo on at full volume, and bacon sizzling on the stove. Kramer, however, is nowhere to be found to explain why.

Jerry goes to the grocery store right in the middle of Ana’s shift and breaks up with her, right in front of her manager. “Well, Jerry,” she says through gritted teeth, “You’re the nicest of the damned.”

A week later, Jerry and George walk past the grocery where Ana works, both of them visibly depressed, a mess, and feeling totally worthless. “I tell ya,” says George, “That’s nobody’s storefront but the jerk’s!”

———

Bania goes shopping at a record store and plucks out one album in a green sleeve, immensely satisfied: “Now this one, this is the best!

The Asses

Finding herself in dire need of hemorrhoid cream, Elaine goes to the drugstore. Feeling embarrassed at the counter, though, she starts making loud excuses to the clerk. “Oh, this?” she shouts, looking toward the other customers in line. “This is just for my dark circles! The dark circles under my eyes.” She clearly possesses no such circles. She gesticulates wildly. “Oh, goodness, this is hemorrhoid cream? For your butt? Oh, mercy me, I thought this was…” she squints. “Homarid cream.” She runs out of the store in disgrace, without the cream she requires.

George proudly unveils his newest invention, the Ass Muffler: Modeled after that of a car, when inserted up the user’s posterior, it allows one to pass wind silently, every time. George believes this will cut down on his awkward social encounters by at least a third, but in reality, he finds himself explaining to complete strangers what the large mechanical protrusion under the seat of his pants is.

Kramer finally achieves what he has spent years working toward: A beard with strands of hair up to 40 feet long. “Now begins the final sequence,” he declares, and solemnly swallows the tip of the beard. Over the next dozen or so hours, the rest of the beard gets pulled into his body by his digestive system until he expels a disgusting rope of hair from his bottom. He ties the rear end of the beard to a hook on the wall, and loops the chin-end of the beard around a hook mounted on the opposite wall, suspending himself as such. “Now,” he declares, fully nude and sweating considerably, “The hammock is on the inside.” George lets loose a nervous, silent fart, and Kramer sways in the resulting breeze.

Jerry is displeased when the best received joke of a set is a fart joke, aimed at a heckler, which he didn’t even write in advance.