The Resurrection

Jerry wakes up to find colored eggs in various places throughout his apartment, but can’t figure out where they came from. “I’m not even a Christian!” he exclaims, as over a dozen roll out from his medicine cabinet. George finds an unusually long hair growing out from among the others on his balding scalp and gives it a tug to try to pluck it out. Instead, the rest of his hair unravels into one long thread. Elaine melts during a long walk in the rain. After rising from the dead, Kramer is unable to push the rock out from the opening of his cave, and eventually suffocates and dies a second time.

The Giver

After Jerry touches Kramer’s elbow, Jerry notices that his sense of touch is through the roof — every interaction is twice as stimulating. He immediately thanks Kramer and heads straight to his girlfriend’s apartment for what he can only assume will be incredible sex. Kramer wipes a bittersweet tear from his eye.

The next day, after hearing about the phenomenon, George and Elaine stop by Kramer’s place for similar reasons: Elaine wishes for super-hearing, so that she may better know when Peterman is getting up to speak to her and she will have ample time to escape. With a single dulcet tone of Kramer’s voice, her wish is granted. George believes he will be devilishly handsome if he can rid himself of those glasses, so Kramer stares him directly in the eye for several seconds. The glasses are immediately rendered useless. He and Elaine, so giddy and full of joy, run from the apartment to try out their improved skills. Slowly and clumsily, Kramer gets up and closes the door.

After many days in which no one has heard from Kramer, Newman pays him a visit to make sure that he is all right.

Several hours later, Newman emerges from Kramer’s dark apartment with flecks of blood still around his mouth. He takes one long whiff of the air and licks his lips in salacious satisfaction.

The Deception

Jerry pulls off his latex mask to reveal he’s been Elaine this entire time. Elaine pulls off her latex mask to reveal she’s been George this entire time. George pulls off his latex mask to reveal he’s been Newman this entire time. Newman pulls off his latex mask to reveal he’s been Jerry this entire time. Kramer pulls off his latex mask to reveal he’s been a skeleton this entire time.

The Seinfelt

jerry

The Nihilist

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Jerry’s apartment is empty, silent, and brightly lit. Camera holds on the scene for 36 seconds.

INT. MONK’S DINER - DAY 

Monk’s is empty, silent, and brightly lit. The camera holds on the scene for 93 seconds.

EXT. MANHATTAN STREETS - DAY

New York is empty, silent, brightly lit. The camera holds on the scene for 20 minutes, 3 seconds. There are no commercials. A laugh track occasionally plays, but grows consistently tinny and faint.

The Conditioning

Unhappy with his current girlfriend’s subpar hygiene but too lazy to dump her, George tries to change her behavior through subtle manipulation. He dumps garbage in her living room, smears her with unpleasant aromas overnight to increase her impetus to shower, and makes her clothing downright filthy to encourage her to wash it more often. However, instead of becoming a cleaner person, she seems blind to the drop in her personal cleanliness, and George finds himself increasingly mired in her filth, too stubborn to simply call it quits.

Jerry learns he can completely control Newman by withholding or dispensing Drake’s Coffee Cakes. Eventually it seems the man’s only motivation is acquiring more of the delicious, fragile confections. In disgust, Jerry hands over his entire supply, but that only reinforces the conditioning even more strongly, turning him into a slavering lackey who acts on Jerry’s every wish. When Newman learns that Jerry has no more of the cakes to give, he freezes up, his sense of autonomy completely destroyed by his training.

Kramer insists that the city is “too filthy” and starts wearing rubber gloves wherever he goes. After Jerry asks him about all the other exposed parts of his body, he wraps his head and neck in latex and quickly suffocates.

Elaine uses a new leave-in hair treatment, but is unimpressed by the results.

The Teleportal

When a fly enters Jerry’s apartment at the same time Kramer slides in, the resulting Cosmo/insect combination, dubbed Kramerfly, undergoes a long, painful metamorphosis into a decomposing yet psychotic pile of flesh. Long after Kramerfly’s death, George and Jerry remain too scared to leave, convinced that the doorway itself is some sort of hexed portal that will turn them into a combination, similar to that of Kramerfly. After a while, they get into a heated debate over whether they would be called “Georry” or “Jerge.” In a furious rage, George storms out of the apartment at the same time Elaine saunters in, causing the two to become one. “Hyiiii, Jorry,” comes the otherworldly, neurotic whine. “We’re Eleorge!” Eleorge is an overweight, bald woman, her face in a permanent sneer. “You’re ‘lorge,’ all right,” he mumbles. For reasons that remain entirely alien to Jerry, Eleorge nonetheless has no problem whatsoever attracting incredibly attractive men, then dumps them for some petty fault.

The Massacre

Oh, look at poor Jerry, he’d been standing up, and now he can’t even lie down… I’m just glad Kramer isn’t around to see what’s happened to him… Elaine was standing right there — RIGHT THERE! — and now she’s still there, but she’s also there, and there, and there… oh, George…

The Dubious Anecdote

After a drop in the company’s profits, George’s boss requires he take a rudimentary business course at a city community college. George begrudgingly complies, only to learn that the professor discusses nothing but his own cartoonishly liberal political opinions. The ideas he espouses are so ludicrous that George can’t help but suspect the man is being ironic. Nevertheless, he finds himself increasingly swayed by them.

Kramer befriends a Marine, but quickly tries to distance himself when he discovers the man reacts with hyperbolic violence to anything he finds disagreeable. Kramer’s attempts to cut off contact only infuriate the Marine, who bullies him into sticking around.

Elaine, feeling acutely aware of her disempowerment, joins a movement to guarantee women equal pay and treatment.

Desperate for more audience members after a few poor performances, Jerry tells Kramer to bring his new friend along to the next show. Kramer tries to refuse, but with the Marine standing right there, he’s too afraid to say anything that might anger the man.

During his set, Jerry makes a joke that the Marine finds “too liberal”. He rushes up and punches Jerry in the mouth, knocking him off the stage.

"Why the heck’d you do that?" asks Jerry, returning to the stage, rubbing his sore jaw.

"God was busy keeping our troops safe," replies the Marine, "so he sent me to keep you in line."

Jerry immediately apologizes and leaves the theater, vowing to use his comedy career to foster goodwill toward America’s troops. George suddenly realizes that everything he had come to believe from his liberal professor was a lie, and runs to the nearest Marine recruitment center to enlist. Elaine quits the equal rights movement, realizing that women are inferior to men, especially strong and amazing men like the Marine. She asks him on a date but he rejects her because women shouldn’t ask men on dates. Then he asks her out instead, and she accepts. Kramer runs back to his apartment, locking himself in his closet, muttering “don’t mess with Marines” to himself repeatedly.

Are you brave enough to repost this? Only true patriots will.

The Sketch Artist

Kramer accidentally slams a door in Elaine’s face, causing her to break her nose, and she calls Kramer “a societal evil.” Kramer takes the remark very personally, and resolves to become a force for good by learning how to draw police sketches. He gets Jerry to help him practice by forcing him to describe George. “How will this work?” Jerry asks. “You actually know what George looks like.” “Nah, Jerry,” Kramer says, “I purged all my memories of what George looks like. Just tell me.” Jerry finds this odd, but complies. “Well, he’s, uh, a sort of frumpy, bald man…” “Yeah, yeah, keep goin’, Jer.” After several torturous hours, Jerry finally looks at what Kramer has been drawing: Nothing but dark, concentric circles. It does not resemble George, or anything human, merely a whirling void.

Across town, for reasons unknown to him, George spends several hours swirling, whipping about, in the middle of an intersection, until he is nothing but a vertiginous dark cavity, consuming bystanders into his nothingness.

Noting the peculiarity, Elaine asks Kramer to draw a version of her without a broken nose.